Two days

 It's been two days and I am still finding blood on walls. Little splatters that in writing that I realize sounds disturbing and gruesome, like a murder or something violent happened. Even some sort of freak accident sounds warranted for this story. However, it's none of that. 

Two days ago I went out with my grandma. She wanted to take me out for a treat and something fun away from my family; a break. Respite from caregiver duties. I had a great time... 

Oh yeah, blood... while I was away the unhappy and difficult part of Autism arrived. My almost always happy child filled with random bouts of rage and self-harm since puberty arrived. Most of the time we don't know why and he can't tell us because he is non-speaking; non-verbal. I worry that it's not just autism and puberty but not many doctors are willing to work it out with me. 

Self regulation... tell him to hit himself in the face... hard... until hit looks like he lost a fight. Bruised cheeks and bloody lip and/or nose. 

When I got home he was in the bath. His dad defeated. There were blood splatters on the shower wall, in the hall, and on the bathroom door. The shower curtain and rod on the floor. Walking in his room there was blood on the sheets and on a pillow. Walking into the laundry room there was a hole in the wall from the door being forced open. A plush toy also covered in blood was thrown in the garage. Apparently he was looking for a shoe, a specific type flat like VANS, to hit his face with. Something I thought he didn't do anymore. The trail told me he looked in every spot he remembers a shoe like that being at some point. 

The next day I saw the blood on the master bathroom door. That's not even the bathroom he was in when I came home. Today, a different part of the wall in the hall.

I was so nervous about the start of school 3 days in. School seems fine, but he weekend was tough. 

It's not fair to my other children either. They run and hide. Two days ago the youngest went to his Grandpa's because he wouldn't stop crying due to the bloody meltdown. Yesterday's meltdown wasn't bad, but the oldest decided he needed to go for a drive to avoid it all.