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Showing posts from August, 2025

What is wrong with me

 What is wrong with me? Why can't I get the house clean? People say take responsibility and don't blame others.... but maybe that is my problem, maybe I need to blame others. Ha!  Maybe it's really just my endless doom scrolling... I guess I could blame that and just move on.  I am tired; scrolling is mine... Everything else is for everyone else.  I can get past this. It will be clean. 

Most, Sometimes, Never

 Most 16 year old boys won't hold their mom's hand Most 16 year old boys won't show their mom affection  Most 16 year old boys don't need their mom's to lay with them to go to sleep  Sometimes I love that he still needs me like that Sometimes I wish he didn't  Sometimes my heart is happy for who he is Sometimes my heart hurts for what won't be Never would I change him Never will the world change for him 

Two days

 It's been two days and I am still finding blood on walls. Little splatters that in writing that I realize sounds disturbing and gruesome, like a murder or something violent happened. Even some sort of freak accident sounds warranted for this story. However, it's none of that.  Two days ago I went out with my grandma. She wanted to take me out for a treat and something fun away from my family; a break. Respite from caregiver duties. I had a great time...  Oh yeah, blood... while I was away the unhappy and difficult part of Autism arrived. My almost always happy child filled with random bouts of rage and self-harm since puberty arrived. Most of the time we don't know why and he can't tell us because he is non-speaking; non-verbal. I worry that it's not just autism and puberty but not many doctors are willing to work it out with me.  Self regulation... tell him to hit himself in the face... hard... until hit looks like he lost a fight. Bruised cheeks and bloody lip an...